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If we’ve had a long-term sex partner and we’re not satisfied in bed, we might be intimidated to ask for what we want. It can be awkward… perhaps the right word is SCARY… especially if we haven’t had a regular dialogue about what makes us feel good. Because the male ego is linked so closely to their little brain, we may be afraid of bringing it up for fear our partner will think we’ve been faking it all this time. Or maybe they’ll interpret it as they’re not a good lover. 

While both of these may be true, it may also be that we’ve never told them what we like or shown them how to do it. 

Other than breathing, I can’t name anything that is effortless the first time we do it. How many activities—sports, cooking, painting, driving—can you name that you were good at, right off the bat? Even getting dressed in the morning requires some tweaking. Few pieces in our closet look perfect without some help. We may have to turn back the cuffs, tuck in our shirt, and add some accessories like jewelry and the right pair of shoes. 

Or what about ordering food in a restaurant? We have to tell the waiter how we like our steak—medium with no steak butter—and salad dressing on the side, please. So why do we think our sex partners should automatically know what feels good to us and the best way to achieve it? 

A new partner asked exactly what I wanted, and then proceeded to give it to me, and it remains the single most erotic, sexual experience of my life.

After the fact, some men may ask, “Was it good for you?” but their question doesn’t always come from a place of really caring if we had an orgasm. Often they’re looking for affirmation they were good in bed.

Recently I watched the film, Good Luck Leo Grande, with Emma Thompson and Daryl McCormack. Have you seen it? You can find it on Hulu. Thompson’s character is a 62-year-old widow and a retired teacher who taught religious education. After a boring sex life with a husband who was on and gone in sixty seconds, she remains a woman who’s never had an orgasm. Somehow she musters the courage to hire a young “sex worker” (the current politically correct term), in hopes of having one night of sexual pleasure.

It’s not unusual for men and women to experience shame when talking about things that turn them on, but if we’re to be honest and own our sexuality, desire—and absolute right—to feel pleasure, then we must be honest with our partner. 

If we want different things in the bedroom then we need to ask for them. “Medium well, no steak butter.”

And if we’re afraid of hurting our partner’s ego, what if we take the pressure off of them? We could say something like, “It’s nothing you’re doing. It’s me. My body has changed, and I’m having a harder time with ‘x, y, z.’ What if we tried something new?” 

Then fill in the blanks and show them how to turn back the cuffs and add the accessories.

I know this can be a delicate conversation but hopefully, I’ve given you some ideas regarding Women Over 50 and Asking for Sexual Pleasure.

Love, Brenda

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